With the Akatsuki
by The Gatsby
Summary: Itachi and Deidara get fired. To get back they make their own group to battle the Akatsuki. Both groups experience mayhem without each other. Who knew that the Akatsuki was like this? DISCONTINUED.
1. Chapter 1

**Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki**

**Chapter One**

Between Konoha and Suna lies a large expanse of land. Two mules and their driver were currently moving on a bridge lying above a canyon. All of a sudden the ground exploded in from of them and the mules dropped their load of salt before running away.

The mule driver stayed in the same spot, smiling as though he had just taken candy from a baby. "I've found you Akatsuki. Soon, each of your little heads will be resting on a platter".

==O==

Right below the canyon was a small entrance that led to a giant cavern. In the middle of the cavern sat a man with white hair. Around him a freaky fish guy was running around being chased by a wooden salamander. In a corner a red haired man was, waving his hand around having an argument, with a blond person, who looked suspiciously like a woman. The subject of the argument was what art was.

"I'm telling you art is an EXPLOSION!"

"Art is eternal. It should not be a fleeting image that loses purpose quickly." The red head then took off his cloak before speaking "I am the perfect example of art. I AM ETERNAL!"

"WE'LL SEE WHOSE ETERNAL!" the blond shouted.

In the far corner a Venus fly trap-man looked up from stroking his plants. "Is this an art convention or girly guy face off?"

"**You go, girl. Show him who's the best!"**

"Shut up Zetsu."

"Kukukuku! Do you need _another _therapy session, Zetsu?" came a voice, from behind the plant-man. Zetsu stiffened and started sweating bullets.

"N-no, Orochimaru, I don't need t-therapy. I-I don't have two b-brains. **Zetsu's a g-good **boy. Zetsu's a good **boy!**" In a faraway place a masked individual woke up suddenly. _Someone has stolen _my _line. Somebody's getting sued. _

Over with the guy vs. girl/guy the red head was also sweating bullets. "NO, I COULD TAKE ON ANYBODY NOW, BUT NOT HIM! OROCHIMARU, YOU WILL NOT GET ME! SAVE ME, OH GREAT HIRUKO!" Out of nowhere, a giant puppet appeared and dragged the man into it.

"Sasori, don't worry you can come out now. Orochimaru was only after Zetsu and no one else." Sasori merely whimpered as his puppet activated its defensive mechanism. It was the only thing in the entire base, besides Itachi's room, that the snake man couldn't get into. "Deidara, you of all people should know why I won't go near him. Remember the _incident_…"As he said it the cavern experienced intense rippling, as it descended into the past.

==O==

Pein was busy in his office doing paperwork. He was on his last sheet, when the rippling began. All of his work was immediatly sucked in. His look screamed murder. "EMERGENCY MEETING NOW!"

==O==

"I have HAD it with you people. First came burning down the village, then losing our customers and eating the store clerk and mailman. Now you've crossed the line with your FLASHBACK!" Pein shouted from the head of the table. "I've made a decision and one of you is going to be fired!" You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed. _This must be heaven. Wait, I can _hear _my own thoughts!_

Kakuzu was the first to speak. "Good idea, boss. With the money we save, we can finally create the Mecha-Tsuki. That was one of Itachi"s better ideas."

"My religion doesn't believe in giant robots. By the way where is Itachi?" Hidan asked.

==O==

The man in question was creeping on the second floor. Itachi stopped in front of a room that was leaking water. Preparing himself for the octopus that was always behind it, he opened the door… only to have a torrent of water drench him. _Kisame and I need to have a talk about his. _Itachi entered the room that resembled a fish bowl, completer with a plastic castle and treasure chest. Itachi spotted what he was looking for and headed towards a mermaid statue.

The statue had a very interesting story. It was chiseled from rocks that were said to have contained some powerful jewels. The statue was then sold to a merchant who took it on to the ship. It was tossed overboard during a storm and ended on a beach. It had many crazy adventures after that, but those are stories for another day. Many years later, Kisame came upon the statue and fell in love with it believing it to be a sign. He let no one touch it, which was why Itachi hid his most precious items underneath it.

Underneath the floor boards was… a bottle of nail polish and fashion magazines. Itachi grabbed them, jumped over a tentacle and ran to the bathroom. He sat down at the edge of the bathtub opened the magazine, and began to apply the polish to his nails. _Amazing, I can use coffee to restore my hair instead of dye! _Itachi flipped the pages until he came upon an ad that left him speechless. _Cover Girl nail polish buy one get one free! To the market I go! _

"Itachi, I don't care what mental exercise you're doing in there but Pein-sama wants you in the meeting" Konan's voice cut though Itachi's thoughts. Grumbling, Itachi stuffed the magazines into his cloak as he exited the bathroom. By the time he reached the meeting room, Orochimaru was in tears, Zetsu was dancing, Deidara was rubbing his hands with glee, and the "Zombie Twins" (Hidan and Kakuzu) were arguing with Pein, who was considering suicide. "Let me guess we're firing Orochimaru?"

Kisame, who was burying Goldfish crackers, looked up and said "Yep."

"Deidara's happy because he gets to be Sasori's partner?"

"Yep." was the reply.

"Hidan is rejecting the Mecha-Tsuki?"

"He says that his religion doesn't believe in giant fighting robots." Kisame said nodding as he continued "Then again, what doesn't go against his religion?"

Itachi began to list off all the answers. "Famine, plague, war, murder, Barbie's, fear, robbery, arson, animal cruelty, kidnapping and death."

"Wouldn't a giant robot cause fear, arson, war and death?"

"Maybe you should go tell him that." Itachi replied.

"You go do that." Kisame replied.

Over with Pein, he was now positive that he wanted to commit suicide, but couldn't. He moved his hand to open a drawer. Inside was a smoke bomb that he kept to escape sticky situations. He lifted it out, ignoring Hidan's rants, and prepared himself to pull the pin. He stopped when he noticed something. "Itachi what do you have under your cloak?"

Itachi's gulped as Pein's eyes looked at where he had his magazines in. _Great, the cat's out of the bag._ "Uh, nothing really, just some stuff." Pein continued to stare at Itachi, who gulped. "Okay I'll tell you. Just some magazines."

Everybody in the room stopped what they were doing. Deidara was the first to speak "If he has magazines then HE HAS A GUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ITACHI HAS A GUN! IT'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER MASSACRE!"

Mass pandemonium ensued from Deidara's comment. The Zombie Twins ran out screaming, Zetsu jumped out the window and Sasori grabbed Deidara to use as a shield. Pein grabbed Konan and ducked under the desk and Deidara pulled out some of his clay bombs and threw them at the ceiling. Itachi, not expecting what happened, sat down in surprise, only to get back up when rocks fell on him. "B-but I don't have a gun. I meant fashion magazines not the ammo."

Pein got up from the remains of his desk and brushed the dust off his cloak. "Itachi I don't care what you have on you. You know that Hidan and Kakuzu are afraid of guns. And because of you Deidara blew this part of the base up. With the money it will cost to fix it, I'll have to fire you."

Saying that Itachi was shocked was an overstatement. He stood there staring after Pein before he spoke "As you wish." He walked out of the destroyed base, looked around before he broke into tears. The Zombie Twins and Zetsu were just returning, when Pein began his new announcement. "Living members of Akatsuki, I have just fired Itachi and to meet expenses we have to get jobs."

Hidan looked at Pein, turned around and walked away. Orochimaru looked at Pein as though he was crazy and walked out the door. Konan looked at him and said "Do you remember what happened the last time they took jobs? We had to run from the cops and hide out on another continent."

"It wasn't that bad. It was only for a few hours and Hidan only killed the kid. Plus, Kakuzu held on to the guy's money so we were only convicted of murder and arson."

**Author's notes: **I know it might not be that fun or long so just tell me how it was. Constructive critiscim appreciated. So hit the button!

Maybe until next time, KOF-712-B.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N **Thank you Yuti-Chan, Minion Maker and xxMysecretLovexx for adding me to your story/author alerts. Special thanks to Dracul666 for adding me to his favorites. I LOVE YOU GUYS!

**BUT I DON'T LOVE THOSE NON-REVIEWERS!** 105 people clicked my story and half of them read it. Only two people reviewed **SO REVIEW!**

Yuti-Chan: Thanks for the review.

XxMysecretLovexx: Sorry for firing Itachi. And if any of my grammer mistakes are really bad, tell me.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, Sasuke would be dead by now. Since I don't, let's get on with the story.

**Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki**

**Chapter Two: Recruitment**

Itachi walked through the streets his tears still running free. He had left the village because of his crimes. He had joined the Akatsuki because everyone in there had a hand in murdering people (though Kisame had only murdered dolphins).

To him each member was part of his family, except for Konan, who was just Konan. Pein was like a father, Orochimaru like a crazed uncle, Zetsu like the creepy next door neighbor and Kisame was the annoying little brother, he had always wanted. The Zombie Twins and Sasori were the distant relatives that lived too close and Deidara was the sibling who wanted to surpass him. Konan was either Konan or a grandmother.

The Akatsuki was his family and they had abandoned him. Now he was all alone. _First things first: Stop moping. Second order of business: Find a job. _Unfortunately the only skills he had were applying nail polish, burning stuff and being a ninja._ Maybe I can go back to Konoha and become a ninja._

And so, with that in mind, our great hero set out on a journey. A journey filled with metaphors, alliteration and all those other little monsters.

==O==

"…Have...Zetsu…eat…Deidara…after…Sasori is done…" Deidara paled, as he listened to what was being said. He was to be fed to Zetsu after Sasori did something to him. He would be killed, just, because they had an odd number of members. _I…I can't believe this…I will have to leave now. I will find Itachi-san and together we will have revenge. Goodbye Akatsuki!_

==O==

If Deidara was a little closer to the door, he would have heard what was really being said. It regarded Zetsu's diet, but to really understand what was being said, let us go back in time.

**Flashback**

Pein looked up as Konan entered, anger written clearly on her face. "What happened?"

"Zetsu happened, down in the kitchen. I opened the fridge and it was _filled_ with human limbs." It was at this point that Deidara came, and stood outside the door.

"We will have to get Zetsu to stop eating humans."

"Deidara can help us, after lunch."

"Sure, after Sasori is done send him down."

==O==

_Let's see, I have my lipstick, nail polish, eyeliner, Itachi's magazine and nail polish and his limited edition Sasuke-chibi plushy._

And so our feminine hero set out on a journey, to meet his future companions" a grouchy man, Itachi, a snake lord and some other minor characters.

**Four days later**

The people of Konoha were minding their own business, when two people burst out of a door. The first one to burst was Itachi. He had a look of pure joy. Behind him was Sasuke, with pictures drawn all over his face. "I hate YOU! Itachi, I'll kill you!"

Itachi turned around and threw a tomato at Sasuke. "Just like old times." Itachi turned his around only to bump into Deidara. Deidara was decked out in full battle gear. He had left his cloak and was wearing a black shirt that said "I'm a BOY!" He had on black pants with four clay pouches around his waist. Strapped to his arms were sticks of dynamite. His hair had a streak of red in it, and was held down in a ponytail with a spiked scrunchy holding it back.

"Yo, fancy meeting the weasel in this place." People paused and regarded the sight. Their last Uchiha was trying to attack another Uchiha, who was talking with a person wearing dynamite. The Sandaime was watching the entire thing with the council on his flat screen. (Hey, crystal balls are old!) "Put forty on Sasuke's death" the Hokage said.

Itachi stared at Deidara for a few more minutes before replying "Dynamite, what happened? Were you fired too?"

"Nope, I escaped my death. I've been looking for you."

Itachi moved his hand to put on Deidara's shoulder, in order to complete the moment. Before, he could Sasuke ran up holding two kunai. "I will have my REVENGE! THEN I WILL DESTROY THIS PUNY VILLAGE AND MURDER EVERYO-!" Before he could finish the angry villagers hounded on him, pounding him to oblivion.

Deidara, ignoring Sasuke's murder, spoke up again "We must take revenge on Akatsuki! Together we can take over the world!"

"Why should I?

"Itachi, you _must!_ For, I am your PARTNER!"

Itachi sweat dropped, before returning to his original stance. "Even if we wanted to, how would we get revenge on them? There are only two of us and eight of them."

Deidara shook his head. "Poor, poor Itachi. I have spent the last four days gathering our allies of the coming war. Everyone, from the Grouch and Snake-lord to Chibi and Father, are ready for deployment.. With them we can take over the _world_!" Deidara whispered.

"No, we do not need that many. Bring them to me and we will pick the best." Deidara nodded and they both left, neither noticing Sasuke's corpse on the ground or Sakura crying over his body.

**A/N **I know it's pretty short. I got it half of the original chapter done after I posted chapter one. But I got stumped over how Deidara would meet Itachi, and how Itachi would meet his little brother. I ended up cutting it in half and redoing the last part.

So anyway, I'll have chapter three done before Sunday, hopefully. I'll give an online cookie to anyone who can make a picture of Deidara in his battle gear or can figure out who the four allies are.

Review, please! Even if you're the lazy ones.

P.S I'll need a new summary so another cookie to anyone who can make a new summary for Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello everyone! Before we begin our story, I have some requests and notes.

About the late update, Microsoft's briefcase feature crashed and I lost all the premade chapters.

I have a total of 70 visitors on my story yet only four reviews. I got bored writing this because nobody said much about my story, so if I don't get more than two reviews I'll stop writing.

**Yuti-Chan:** I was in the school library moping about my failed assignment, when I checked your review. It brought tears to my eyes. I was like "OH YEAH! Somebody reviewed! To answer your question, Tobi and the _real _Madara will appear in this story. I just don't know if I should put Tobi on Itachi and Deidara's side or the Akatsuki.

**Anon678**: Your review touched my heart. TRUE critiscism.

Oh! Before I forget, thanks for subscribing **Shark pimp**.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto. I also have no ownership rights to: Star Wars, Fullmetal Alchemist, Harry Potter, Bleach, Sesame Street, Barney, Captain Planet and Calvin and Hobbes. However, I do own all of my friends, so that counts as something.

**Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki**

**Chapter three: The first gathering of L.O.V.E**

Sam E. Cee was not an easy guy to surprise. You could hold him at gun-point and he wouldn't even bat an eye. The customers he had tonight at the reception desk, however, did surprise him. The first was a black haired man wearing a cape and an eye patch placed over his precious eye. His companion seemed like a girl, though he was corrected before he could say "Miss". He had blond hair streaked with some red and wore a black shirt with "I'm a boy" written on it, with black pants. He had pouches slung on his belt, dynamite wrapped around his arms and his very girl-ish ponytail was held with a spiked scrunchy.

"Is this the place Weasel?" the blond said.

The "Weasel" looked around, took a card out of his pocket, adjusted his eye patch and said "Yes, this is the place for the forming of L.O.V.E" and turned towards Sam. "We have the conference room booked tonight."

"The pink rose? You want to use that horror?"

The smile on "Weasel's" face was equivalent to that of a murderous Goth clown. "Yes, yes we do."

The poor receptionist was left alone in horror, while his customers walked away.

==O==

In a dark alleyway, six figures stood together. "Is this the place?" A voice said, coming from cylindrical container.

A large puple figure replied "It is Grouch," the figure turned around and said "Come brothers, sister and ponies. Tonight we dine in HELL!"

==O==

Itachi looked up at the pale face that greeted him, from his desk. "Codename?"

The figure licked its lip, and said "Do you not know me MORTAL! I am You-know-who! I am He-who-must-not-be-named! I AM Lord VOLDEMORT! At Itachi's blank look he reluctantly continued "Fuzzy-Wuzzy."

"Oh, Mister Wuzzy. Yes, yes. Go down the hall and turn right," Itachi paused, plunged his hands into his desk and pulled out a pair of glasses. He put them on focused on "Fuzzy-Wuzzy". "What the...Orochimaru you got a _haircut!"_

Over with Deidara, he was having trouble with a celebrity. "So, codename Hitler, what are your powers?"

A large shape, looming in the background, spoke up "I have the dreaded POWER OF MIND CONTROL. With my songs, children become my slaves." To prove his point, he began singing _the _song.

I love you

You love me

We're all a happy family

From a kiss from me to you

Won't you say you love me too

A crowd of children entered the room and began dancing around "Hitler". The purple dinosaur began to dance around, while singing.

I love you

You love me

If you love me, go rob America

If you love me, make a doomsday weapon

If you love me, kill the pretty lady in front of me

Before Deidara could comprehend what was happening, he was dead. "Itachi, maybe we shouldn't have gotten our allies from that ad " spoke Deidara as he passed away.

Itachi, not listening to his teammate, looked at the next ally they had gathered. "Codename Father, what can you do."

The Star Wars celebrity began to wave his hands around. "Mister Father, can you do _anything_, besides cut libs?"

Darth Vader pulled out his light saber and turned it on. Itachi spoke" Special effects master?"

Darth Vader pulled out a pack of bagels and said "No, I am a chef. With my trusty light saber, unevenly cooked food will be a myth. I can cook anything and will be a great asset to any evil organization that needs a chef." Itachi looked at the man, who spoke as though he had said that small speech many times before.

"How long have you been unemployed?"

"Ever since they stopped making more of my movies. I've been looking for a job since then. Since you guys are evil, I thought that being an ally would bring some good money. I also want revenge on George Lucas."

Itachi stared at the helmet thing worn by Codename: Father. "You are…," Vader leaned in closer "You are… THE PERFECT CHEF! Look at those bagels, they are evenly toasted. I have Deidara cook the food 'cause he's the closest thing I have to a female; but you…You are a true chef. Welcome aboard Mister Father…Oh wait you are a member so I suppose I should say 'Mister Vader'."

Darth Vader was leaping in joy, before Itachi spoke again 'Just fill out these forms and you're good to go."

Darth Vader took out a pen and began to fill out the forms. His answers were:

Name: Darth Vader aka Father aka Anakin Skywalker

Address: The empty cardboard box at the corner

Who to contact in case of death: No orphans.

Previous jobs: Evil overlord, chef, barber, dentist, dog walker, clown, the actor who plays Mecha-Godzilla and Elvis stunt double.

Who should your partner be like: Strong, evil, loaded with cash and should be an Avenger.

==O==

"I'm telling you Hobbes CAN TALK!" a voice said outside the door. Itachi looked up from the forms on his desk. Deidara came in grumbling about pesky kids and stuffed animals.

"What happened?" Itachi asked him.

"I was getting rid of the hotel employees, so we could use this building as a base. Some kid came up to me while I was dumping the workers. Said that he was evil and his tiger could talk."

"Well, it took three hours of sorting to weirdoes and freaks, but we found four people to help us make our own organization.

At that moment two things happened. A trash can crashed through the window, a blue skinned walked into the room. The man looked at Itachi and said "I hear that you are building an organization to destroy some villains. I will join you if you come with me on exciting trips to save the planet and teach import-UUGGGHHH!" the man said as Itachi's sword found a home in his body.

"Prepare for your end" Itachi said as he activated a genjutsu. The blue-skinned man found himself in the middle of a smoky, lifeless landscape.

"W-where am I?"

"You are on earth, a few years into the future. You are the cause of this."

"NO, this can't be happening. I save the Earth, I don't do this!"

Outside the jutsu, the blue man fell down and Deidara walked up to his lifeless body. "Dude, I think you just killed off Kisame."

The container rolled to Itachi's feet, before it opened to reveal a green…something. "My name's Oscar the Grouch and I'm a latecomer to the party!"

Itachi calmly surveyed Oscar and turned to Deidara "I think he's the most normal candidate we've had all day."

"What about that little girl, Nel?"

"She wore a cartoon skull and was high on sugar and called me Teechi. I don't think that was normal," Itachi turned back to the green thing, sitting in front of him. "What are your powers?"

Oscar looked at himself and said "I'm disgusting garbage collector. I'm possibly the world's biggest grouch and…OH! I'm also _green _with _envy._"

Suddenly, Oscar's can shook and out popped Envy. "Did somebody call for my dashing looks, or that guy's looks?"

Get back in your room Envy! You haven't paid your rent yet!" Oscar shouted.

_Wait a moment. Envy, with envy we can make our acronym: League Of Villains and Envy. _"You're hired, when can you start?"

**Next time on Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki: **LOVE plans their assault on the Akatsuki, Pein goes missing, an old character returns and the gang orders a pizza that arrives in _twenty _minutes.

**A\N **There you have chapter 3 of BSA. Like I said before, if I don't get more than two reviews, this story will be discontinued. Comments, flames, criticism and single word reviews accepted.

KOF-712-B


	4. Chapter 4

Hello everybody, its **KOF-712-B**. (Hey that rhymed!) Before we begin this story I have a request.

Let us have a moment of silence for my Blackberry. Today it died. It would not connect with my computer and crashed and with it went the original chapter 4. I spent my time on the bus writing the chapters in its document to go. Now I will only be able to write at home when I'm done with homework.

So expect even more irregular updates.

**Yuti-Chan**: Thanks, and now I have the stage set up for Tobi's appearance as he will join LoVE. Thanks for marking me favorite. Now I'm one step closer to controlling the world.

**Dracul666**: I used to think that my story was not that funny. I wonder what the writer of **The Sand Siblings Go on a Road Trip **by **MidnightSakuraBlossom and SYD **thinks about his/her story.

Thanks for adding me to favorites **Wolf Emblem.**

**Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki**

**Chapter 4: Operation Rodney**

In the middle of a nondescript village lies a two story house with a basement. An entirely pink colored house, it was first a house then a hotel and now villainous lair.

Inside the house, Itachi got up from his bed and headed to the shower. He turned on the faucet that released dust. _Why couldn't we have chosen another hotel? _Itachi wondered not for the first time. He headed down the Pink Stairs and past the Pink Kitchen where breakfast was being made (Deidara had not thrown out the cooks so they could have food).

He turned left and found himself in front of the Pink Briefing Room. He opened the door to find LoVE already waiting. He walked over to the Pink Podium and said "Attention all males, females, dinosaurs and freak."

Voldemort nudged Oscar and said "He's talking about you."

"When LoVE was first created two days ago our cause was the destruction of the Akatsuki. Since my defect the Akatsuki have gone underground. Their only known bases are in El Dorado, Shangri-La, Atlantis, Reach, Hueco Mondo and the Moon. If we want to strike them, we must strike now. We will eliminate each member one by one and then we Hey you guys aren't even listening to me!"

Voldemort turned away from the TV everyone was clustered around and said "Shut up! This is a new episode of Achromatize. Orenji is finally regaining her powers of death!"

"…ARE YOU GUYS EVEN LISTENING!"

**Meanwhile at a hidden Akatsuki base**

Konan walked over to Kisame's room and opened the door. "Kisame, have you seen Pein-sama?" Kisame was too feeding his crackers too notice. Frustrated that the villain had disappeared, Konan headed down into the basement, which was filled with HuMUS. Not the dipping kind but the Human Maintenance Utensil Station kind.

Every base had HuMUS, in which the Akatsuki kept Pein's bodies, Zetsu's "snacks", Hidan's "blood donors" and Kisame's fish (which couldn't be maintained).

Konan opened the first container which had Hidan's head in it. "Help meee, I'm just a heeead! Help meee!"

Konan headed to the next one that contained a city. "Are you an angel? Because, if you are we'll have to give you two free movies."

Konan blinked at the absurdity of the statement made by the little aliens and said "I'll just take the movies."

The subsequent containers contained bones, heads, dead bodies, a zombie, a talking tiger, a yellow bird and a monkey. Konan did not understand how the HuMUS could maintain their existence when it was built for human bodies (**A/N** I make up the strangest things).

Konan looked up and said "If I don't find that *beep*ing man then I will *beep* somebody and take their *beep*ing head and *beep* it to the *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*!

**Meanwhile, or rather a few seconds later, at Oscar's trash can**

Envy walked over to his garbage-chair and plopped down on it and grabbed the tin can remote. He pulled over the foot stool made from old XBOX parts.

No sooner had he done it that Oscar fell from the top into a pile of banana peels. Oscar walked over to Envy and grabbed the tin can remote. He turned on the vegetable scrap TV which showed static.

"You'd think that a time traveling trash can would get better reception *sigh* Now I'm going to miss my adventure time."

Envy spoke up "Put on a shirt and I thought you were at briefing?"

"It got way too long."

**At Dart Vader's evil lair of Darth-ness**

Darth Vader walked over to a door with a car wheel set in it. "That is the last time I join an evil group with a crazy leader! 'This will only take a few minutes!' my foot! I spent two hours there and he was still talking when I left!"

Vader grabbed the tire and pulled it away, revealing a code panel. Vader ripped off the panel (which was made of plastic) and surveyed what was underneath; A DOOR KNOB.

Vader turned the knob and opened the door. "Welcome back for a rematch" he said as out stepped out none other than Hitler!

**With Itachi**

"Now that that's done let's call in a pizza!" Itachi shouted to the remaining people: Deidara, Nel, Barney and Voldemort.

Nel began jumping up and dwon and said "Yeah, pizza, pizza, we are getting PIZZA!"

Itachi pulled out the cell phone he never knew he had. He flipped it open and said "I would like to order a large pizza with what do you guys want on it?"

"Anchovies and whipped cream!"

"Meat, meat, meat!"

"Pineapples and olives!"

"I'll take a hamburger."

Itachi blinked at the last request (Who wouldn't eat pizza?). He spoke into his cellphone and said "I want a large pizza topped with anchovies, pineapples, pepperonis, chicken, olives, whipped cream and tomatoes and I also want a hamburger. I want two six liter bottles of coke and some breadsticks and pasta…Yes…OK…How much will it be?...I see, okay." Itachi put the cellphone back in his pocket.

"When will it be here?" Barney asked.

Itachi said "The man said that between forty-five minutes and an hour; the usual time."

There was awkward silence before Voldemort spoke up "Anybody wanna read Absolute Boyfriend?"

"EWWWWW! Who reads that *beep*! It is the most stupid thing that anyone could produce!" Nel shouted.

Voldemort sniffed and said "I only read it 'because I want true love."

Another case of awkward silence followed for about 16 minutes. It was interrupted by the doorbell. "Pizza delivery!" came a shout.

"It's only been twenty minutes!" Itachi said as he looked at the watch that suddenly appeared on his wrist.

Barney walked out of the room and into the hotel lobby/ hallway. He opened the door, revealing a red-haired man in white clothes with a pizza symbol on the back. He held out a large, white box, and some paper bags. "Here's your order and your check!"

Itachi signed the check and gave it back. The man grabbed it and ran away like the devil was after him.

Itachi walked over to the Pink Dining Room and shouted "Pizza's here!"

**At Oscar's can**

"Pizza's here!"

"Oh boy! See you later Envy!" Oscar shouted as he jumped up and enlarged himself.

"Envy shouted out "Okay, go have fun! I'll just sit here and eat some garbage…*sigh*…*sigh*…Will you just get me the *beep* out of this *beep*ing hole!"

Oscar fell down again and said "I was going to get you but it takes a long time to shrink yourself and transport in here."

**At the Pink Dining Room**

Everyone gathered around the table as Envy and Oscar (still in his can) walked in.

Itachi spoke up "Now that everyone is here let's eat." Itachi opened the box to reveal a large pizza covered in chicken meat, pepperoni slices, pineapple slice, dollops of whipped cream, slices of tomatoes, anchovies and large olives all topped with a hamburgers.

"Cool, somebody ordered my favorite pizza! Why didn't anybody tell me?" Envy asked.

Nobody noticed the hand that escaped from the shadow. Nobody noticed the gun in its hand. Nobody noticed that the gun was pointed at Itachi. Nobody heard the bullet that escaped the gun, right at Itachi.

**A/N **

Who likes the cliffhanger? Itachi's going to die in the next chapter, Deidara will take over LoVE and Tobi will join it.

For those of you who don't understand how Oscar's trash can works: It's a machine that can travel through space and time. Whenever somebody enters the machine they shrink in order to fit inside the control chamber (where Envy and Oscar live). Whenever somebody exits the can machine they grow back to normal size and pop out of it.

I'll try posting the new chapter before next Friday.

Until then, goodbye from KOF-712-B


	5. Chapter 5: Murderer P1

Co-author credits go to KOF-712-B and Anon678.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Case Closed, Death Note, Barney the purple dinosaur, Harry Pouter, Bleach, Sesame Street, Russia, or FullMetal Alchemist or any other movie. And I also don't own Sherlock Holmes or anything detective-y.

**Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki**

**Chapter 5: Itachi's murderer Part 1**

**Last time, on behind the scenes of the Akatsuki.**

Nobody noticed the hand that escaped from the shadow. Nobody noticed the gun in its hand. Nobody noticed that the gun was pointed at Itachi. Nobody heard the bullet that escaped the gun, right at Itachi.

**And now, in the present.**

Itachi slapped away Barney's hand. "No, you will not take the first slice! We have to do our ritual!

"Please no," muttered Voldemort "Not again."

I, Itachi, pledge my allegiance to the food, which in turn pled UGHH!" Itachi shouted as the bullet hit him.

Everything went in slow motion, as Itachi fell forward, Deidara stood up, the front door opened and Barney leaped out of his chair.

Envy looked at Oscar and said "Ever notice that time slows down in a disaster?"

Oscar replied with "And the best things speed up."

**After an hour of screams and cries and what-not**

Voldemort pushed away from the table, ignoring the screams that Nel still admitted. It was only when he was about to lift his hands off the table did the cuffs attach. "STOP! No one will leave this table!" Deidara shouted.

"And why?" Envy asked.

"Because…" Deidara looked at everyone who was locked to the table "Someone here is a…_murderer_."

"You do know that that line is overused?" Oscar said from where he was on the table.

**After a wardrobe change**

Deidara walked back in the room dressed in a suit. "Thank you for waiting patiently, gentlemen and lady."

Oscar leaned over to Barney and said "Last time I checked there was more than one girl."

"At exactly 7:21 this group ordered a pizza. At 7:41 the pizza arrived and was set on the table at 7:48. At 7:50 a gun was used to kill one Itachi Uchiha. Through my careful calculations, I have pinpointed the source of the bullet here." Deidara said pointing at a window.

"But the window isn't broke began before he was interrupted.

"That's what you think but take a closer look," Deidara said pulling out a magnifying glass and putting it over the window. Underneath the glass was a hole so small that only a needle could go through it.

"But only a needle can go through that: Itachi was killed by a bullet not a needle." Voldemort said.

"Take a closer look at the wound, "Deidara said lifting Itachi's body upright. He picked at the blood stains. "Look here. That wasn't a bullet but something that contained fake blood. It was a glass sphere or a capsule, designed to break at impact. Someone shot the non-lethal object filled with fake blood at Itachi, to make it seem like he was shot. Someone outside the house/hotel used a needle launcher to shoot the needle at Itachi."

A shocked look crossed Envy's face. "Then it wasn't just one of us"

"Yes Envy. Someone here worked with an outsider to kill Itachi."

**Meanwhile, or a little later, inside a secret Russian base in the frigid weather of the Arctic**

"It seems that they have discovered our plan."

"Yes they have," an old raspy voice said." We will need to find the fountain fo youth quickly."

"Then we shall in some extra help…"

**Back at the LoVE base**

"Do not worry yourself over this. I have called in professional help for this case," Deidara said as he opened the door, revealing a detective rom another series. The man was the You-Know-Who (not Voldemort LOL).

"Greetings, my name is Conan Edogawa and I'm here to "

"Not YOU! I was talking about L!"

"Did somebody call me?" came the voice of our friendly neighborhood detective.

**At the secret base**

"Our sleeper has been planted. Let the games begin!" cam the voice of the old man.

The younger voice replied with "Indeed, let the Appetite Sports begin!"

**A/N A little short but I wasn't feeling like writing much more.**

Hey you! Yeah you! Click that button at the bottom. You know you want to! Click that button. You know you want to. Click that button. You know you want to. Click that button. You know yo FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY JUST REVIEW MAKE A RANDOM NAME AND GIVE A ONE WORD REVIEW I DON'T CARE JUST REVIEW.


	6. Chapter 6: Murderer P2

Hello everybody! Thanks for the review and one note: Sorry for the delay I got caught up writing two Code Geass fanfics. Interesting thing: **Tales of the warriors **got 34 visits the first day but no reviews, 3 favorites but no reviews, 2 story alerts but no reviews. Maybe I'm just fantasizing about two reviews per chapter.

**DRACUL666**: What a warm review!

**Yuti-Chan**: There's a surprise for you in this.

**Callie1236**: I don't get it.

**In a dungeon located underneath a bar in Hoboken**

Deidara stood ignoring the rants of his comrades. He gazed up at the guillotine that was slowly descending over everyone's chained left hand. "This is your fault!" screamed L at Conan.

"My fault! You were the one who said that murderers always end in Hoboken" Conan screamed back.

"Guy, guys! Stop blaming each other. We all had a hand in this" Deidara said pointing at the guillotine positioned above everyone's chained left hand.

Everyone present gave Deidara the poker face. "We're about to get our hands lopped off and you make puns!"

Deidara turned towards the left wall and said "I suppose you are wondering how we got here. Let me begin a major flashback."

"Who's she talking too?" L asked Barney.

"It would be best if you ignore her" he replied.

**MAJOR FALSHBACK**

**Morning, two days before the dungeon**

Envy looked around and said "Let me get this straight. To find the murderer of our leader, we've gathered a force of one purple dinosaur, a trash can grouch, an emo, a snake-emo, a little girl, a guy, a pipsqueak and me."

"Who's the pineapple-haired hermaphrodite?" Conan asked Deidara.

Deidara sighed and said "Normally people say that about me…"

**Afternoon of the same day**

"Are you positive that thos is the right place?" Deidara said, as he sat around a low table with the rest of LoVE and additions.

"Yes, all criminals end up in Hoboken," L said. He looked at Deidara's quizzical look, shrugged and said "It's what the Madagascar penguins taught me."

**Around afternoon the same day**

"They are heading towards Hoboken. Should we send in the agents?" the raspy old man voice asked.

"No, I'll take care of them personally," came the voice of the man. He stepped into the light, revealing his appearance of an orange mask and black cape.

He buttoned the cape and said "None shall defeat The Tobi."

**The evening of the same day**

L walked into bar, a coat covering most of his body. He sat down at the counter, followed by the other members of his search party. He snapped his fingers for the bartender.

The bartender was a portly man in his forties wearing the usual outfit. He walked over to L and said "What will it be?"

L looked at him straight in the eye and said "Two pancakes with cream, a cocktail with mangoes and a side of fries."

The bartender gave him a confused look and said "this is a bar not a restaurant."

L looked down at his map and said "I knew I should have turned left on Albuquerque."

**Midnight the next day**

L walked into the bar and sat at the counter, the other guys spreading out. The bartender walked over to him and said "What can I get you?"

"Two pancakes with a cream, a cocktail with mangoes and a side of fries."

The bartender leaned in and said "The pancakes will be here, we're out of mangoes and you can get some fires from Burger King."

L nodded, left some money on the table, and left, the members of LoVE following suit.

**Three in the morning the next day**

"So all we've gathered is that no murderers appeared in the bar, but how do we know that the guy was telling the truth?" Nel asked.

"He's a police officer. He would never lie," L said. "Haven't you ever watched Robocop?"

"So what do we do now?"

"I say we head out to Los Angeles, grab a bite, then head to Toronto and live the rest of our lives out in shame," Voldemort offered.

There was a pause before Deidara said "Yeah, I'm okay with that.

**Back to the present**

"Instead of the airport we ended up here due to _somebody's _driving skills," Deidara said.

Conan looked up and said "It's not my fault you put a pipsqueak at a wheel!"

"Anyway, we got chained here by some guy named Tobi."

"I thought I was supposed to be the mysterious one…" L pouted.

**13 hours ago**

"So kind of you to come here, all on your own. MUWAHAHAHAH!" said Tobi the orange mask man.

L leaned over towards Nel and said "Do you think if we lick him he'll taste like a lollipop?"

Nel looked at the lollipop lookalike mask and said "Only one way to find out. Hey ORANGE! Come down here!"

"What is it little girl?" Tobi said walking over.

Nel jumped up and licked his mask. She fell down and said "What do you know? He does taste like a lollipop!"

Tobi cuddled up into a ball and said "I feel so violated!"

**Back to the present**

"I see you are having a flashback," Tobi said, walking down a staircase. "I don't like those. Where are you supposed to look? The ripple or the speaker?"

"If you're here to torture us, we'll never tell a tale! Only dead people tell tales!" Barney shouted trying to give the finger.

"Oh no, no, no! I just came here to introduce a friend to you. Meet an old friend." Tobi said spreading his arms to introduce a man in his 6's wearing a black cloak with black hair and a pale face.

"ITACHI!" Voldemort shouted. "You're dead! Only I can come back from the dead!"

"Itachi" turned his head towards Voldemort and said "I can't die by _love_. I am not Itachi! I am his younger brother, Sasuke!"

**A/N **What's this? Itachi's dead but Sasuke still lives! I thought he died in chapter 2! Tobi has appeared but working for Sasuke!

Review, please.


	7. Chapter 7

The old man claiming to be Sasuke walked down the stairs. He stopped in front of the guillotine above the hands of the prisoners. He looked at each of them and said "I am Sasuke Uchiha, bother to the man you seek. Your hunch was correct. I was the pizza delivery guy."

Deidara looked up at him and said "That's impossible! I saw you die! I saw the knives cut through you!"

"You are right, little girl. I did die "

"I'm a BOY! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE NOT REALIZE "

"As I was saying, I did die that day. After I died, I ended up in hell. There I met Joe, the doorkeeper for the devil. We struck up a conversation and he made a deal. He'd bring me back to life if I did him one favor."

"What was the favor?" Voldemort asked.

"I would be sent back to life, if I sent my soul to the help center in Hell," the aged Sasuke said. "…What! Everybody has questions! Anyway, I agreed and he poofed my soul into the help center, and then took me to lunch. After that he showed me the door. I stepped in and ended up in the wrong place."

"Where did you end up?" L asked the villain.

"Teletubbies," Sasuke replied, with a shudder. Everyone in the room shuddered at the thought of being stuck with the colorful but evil things.

"Joe had tricked me leaving me stranded, with those monsters, and only a cup o' Joe for sustenance. I wandered the land for a fortnight, before I found shelter, trying to keep much length between me and the scurvy dogs," Sasuke said reaching into his pockets. "It was only when two years had passed and I was eight, that I realized that the cup o' Joe I had was a cup _of _Joe," he continued, taking his hand out of his pocket, a cup in his hand.

"Since Joe was the doormen, he had the power to travel through worlds. The cup he gave me was his and therefore it also had the power through travel through worlds."

Sasuke continued his story, oblivious to the bored prisoners. "When I was twenty-six I travelled to a world devastated with zombies. I met a group of students and helped them fend off zombies from their hideout before I travelled once again. This time I ended up with some prates after a fountain. I picked up a few words from there and travelled again till I reached back to my home."

"Are you done?" Nel and Conan asked at the same time, both of them yawning.

"No. As I was saying, the moment I came here, the cup aged me. I met Tobi here and together we devised a plan to attack you. There I'm done, any questions?"

Oscar raised his hand and said "So, when did you murder Itachi?"

"Murder Itachi! Heavens, no! I would never do such a thing!"

"If you didn't murder him, then who did?" Deidara said rubbing h is chin in thought.

"What are you talking about? You can't murder a pockey lord," Tobi said, his one visible eye quirked.

"If he wasn't murdered then where was he?" Envy asked, having woken up from his nap.

"If a Pockey Lord takes a killing blow, then there soul leaves the body and is reincarnated into another dimension. There are a total of six-hundred and sixty-seven dimensions where a Pockey Lord can go. Since we're in dimension twenty-two, you only have to look for him six-hundred and sixty-six dimensions."

"How are we going to get there?" Barney asked, his tail waving around.

"Leave it to me!" Oscar said, diving into his can. "I can whip up a transporter in fourteen seconds and…and…you already have one don't you?"

Sasuke put the Cup o' Joe on the ground and said "Take it. I may hate my brother but he's my brother. If you'll excuse me Tobi and I have other business." Sasuke grabbed Tobi nad walked back up the strairs, closing the door behind him.

"…"

"…"

"You could've at least freed us…Anybody got a chainsaw?"


	8. Chapter 8

After a long time I present to you: **Behind the scenes of the Akatsuki Chapter 8**

"You know that blade is falling so slowly that I feel like it's been months since Tobi and Sasuke left," Deidara said from where he slouched underneath the trap.

"Oh, sure. Mock the author so he can kill us all. Great idea, Deidara," Voldemort said a little too sarcastically. Everyone present nodded in agreement.

"I'd like to see him try. Leaving us here for months while he goes and enjoys the sun."

"You know Voldie's right. I could kill you all in this story and have a true completed story," a voice said, from high in the ceiling.

"Then why didn't you?" Oscar said his body still inside the trashcan. "You left us here in the last chapter."

There was a pause as the voice that came from the ceiling pondered for a minute. Soon the voice said "Well, seeing as how Kishimoto just slapped us Tobi-isn't-Obito guys in the face and proved that the Tobi-is-Obito people were right all along, so I thought I'd use you guys to show how Obito became Tobi, due to your incompetent skills." Cricket-chirp silence followed this statement. "Just pretend we never had this conversation, okay?"

**A few minutes Later**

"Hey guys I just realized that I have a rusty lock pick in my can somewhere," Oscar said.

"Then why don't you take it out?" L said. Oscar stood silently inside his can while the rest LoVE waited for either the blade, which was falling ever so slowly, to cut their hands or Oscar to answer.. After a long wait L said "You can't reach it can you?"

"It not my fault I'm stuck in large mode and the pick is in Envy's room," Oscar said with an exasperated sigh following.

Deidara blinked and said "You have rooms in that trash can? How is that possible?" This time Envy spoke up explaining how the bottom of the trash can was gateway to another dimension where all of Oscar's inventions were stored and where Envy had a room on rent.

"Then why don't you just reach in with your leg so you can get sucked in?" Barney said, whose hand was not at all trapped.

"How'd you free your hand?!" Nel said in shock as Tobi had made sure that no one could escape from the death-trap.

"Well, it's a long story."

**A few minutes later**

"So after I bought the sun tan lotion I applied it to my hands which were sticky enough to slip out of the cuffs," Barney said as he unlocked the cuffs holding everybody.

"Well then now that that's done let's go find Itachi," Deidara said. "Oscar grab the Cup o' Joe; we may need it later. Nel Conan get my...my...Has anybody seen Conan?"

Everyone turned their heads looking for the pint-sized detective. Darth Vader then spoke up, saying "I cannot sense the force of the diminutive crime solver. Death is the most likely cause to his disappearance."

"Well we can't let his death stop us," Deidara said, with a wave of his hand. "Oscar, how long till you can get us to Itachi?"

"I'm an inventor that works with garbage not a magician. It'll take time for me to figure out how to use this cup."

"Why don't you just drink from this?" Nel said, taking of her cartoon skull mask.

"Nel, leave the scientific stuff to the scientist and go back to-Hey! Give that back!" Oscar shouted to Nel who grabbed the cup and took a sip from the coffee.

"Ugh! This tastes like Bawabawa's so-" Nel shouted in disgust before she disappeared, leaving behind the cup.

Voldemort picked up the cup and said "At least we know how it works!" He took a sip from the cup and, like Nel, disappeared.

"What are you waiting for? Comic-con?" Deidara said to the rest of the people before he took a sip. Every one took turns taking sips until only Darth Vader was left who took off his helmet and put the cup to his lips. He spat out the coffee saying "Eww! It tastes like the juice at the Jedi Acade-" until he too disappeared, leaving behind their only way to travel: the cup.

**R&R**


	9. Discontinuation note

Despite the posting of chapter 8 I am discontinuing _Behind the Scenes of the Akatsuki _because, really, it's a stupid story that seems like it came from a drunken guy's mind( no, not mine). Hopefully I'll right another Akatsuki/Itachi & Deidara story.

So thanks for the 16 review,s readers. as I'll keep on monitoring my account and cursing Kishimoto for making Tobi's identity into Obito. While your reading this why don't you guys go check my other Naruto story _Insurance._

Until then, KOF-712-B is out.


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